by Coach Jack Ito, PhD |
Four simple and effective methods to make your husband be more attracted to you.
Keep his heart by being an attractive woman
The single most important reason to be attractive is so that we can feel good about ourselves. The second most important reason is to please the one’s we love. To be an attractive mom means that your children like to be with you and to introduce you to their friends. To be an attractive wife means that your husband couldn’t imagine finding a woman better than you and wouldn’t even bother to try. You don’t need to be physically beautiful to be attractive, but you do need to bring out your own personal beauty. If you are finding it hard to be an attractive woman for your husband because you are finding him less attractive, you may need to work on falling in love with your husband again. In this article, I’m going to assume that you are in love with your husband and want to give your best to him.
Being attractive is not about fashion or sex appeal
Any beautiful, sexy, or young woman can catch a man’s eye. It’s a biological imperative built into men. But, these are passing fancies not much different than noticing a diamond necklace in a jewelry store. Very few men would actually want the trouble or expense of chasing after these women. Those women are not your competition. Working on looking like the latest fashion model would be a frustrating experience, because even if you could look that way, those other women would still catch your husband’s eye.
Your husband’s innermost desire is not to be attracted to you…it is for you to be attracted to him.
The women who are your competition are the one’s who make your husband feel important, interesting, capable, and attractive. The admiring secretary has a much better chance of having an affair with your husband than the young beauty who lives next door–even if she is ten years older than you! To keep your husband attracted to you, you need to make your husband feel young (even if he’s 60), attractive, important, and interesting. Don’t do it because you fear losing him (that would be needy), but do it because you love him and because that’s part of what it really means to be married.
Don’t wait for him to shape up before you do these things
Every week I get email from women who treated their husbands badly for years, following some bad behavior their husband was doing. You can probably guess that they write to me after their husband leaves them. They realize too late that they should have been nicer. It is hard for these men to trust again, and most don’t even want to try. The bottom line is, if you would be falling out of love with you, if you were in your husband’s shoes, it is time for you to work on being more attractive, no matter what he is doing. If he is behaving badly, don’t withhold your love. Instead, learn to have good boundaries. A woman without boundaries is not attractive to her husband. She just loses his respect and becomes less attractive in his eyes. Instead of withholding your love, learn to have good boundaries while still loving him. If you have been letting him do whatever he wants, hoping that will attracti him, you will need to learn how to build your husband’s respect, in addition to the following four methods.
Here are a four methods for attracting your husband”
1. LEARN TO EMOTIONALLY TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF—If you can’t, then you will always need your husband to make you feel good. And, when he doesn’t, you will be critical of him. He won’t experience this as you loving him; he will experience it as you being demanding. He will start to withhold affection from you and your marriage will become a competition of needs. A quick test of how needy you are is to ask yourself how well you handle your husband’s criticism, how much you fear his rejection, and how often you think about what he needs or wants. Not puttng up with his criticism is one thing, but falling apart because of it is another. Although no one wants to divorce, living in fear of it makes people compromise their values and lose respect. And, if you rarely consider your husband’s needs, it’s a sure bet that you are too focused on your own. This method is #1 because if you are needy, then everything else you do to be attractive will be canceled out. If you are very needy, then you can get coaching for overcoming neediness in marriage.
2. PUT YOUR BEST PART FORWARD AT ALL TIMES—What is it that your husband likes most about you? Too often women confuse what their husband likes with what they are good at. You may be good at cooking, but he may be satisfied with takeout. If so, then don’t knock yourself out cooking for him. Keep it simple and spend time on what he really likes. Don’t know what he likes about you? Ask him. Why did he marry you instead of some other woman? Why is he staying with you instead of finding another woman? (Don’t be needy, but don’t be afraid to ask). What is it about you he most values? Whatever he says, believe him. If you can’t, then you have a self-esteem issue. There are many people in your life. Give them the part of you that they like best. And, ease up on the rest. Don’t try to give everything to everyone. It will make you more attractive, and your life easier, too.
3. LOOK FOR THE GOOD IN YOUR HUSBAND—The above two methods will help your husband feel comfortable (which is important because he will avoid you or shut down if he is not comfortable), but this one really attracts your husband at an emotional level. What is good about your husband? Not only to you, but to other people as well. What makes him a good worker, a good father, a good brother, a good son, a good friend, and a good husband? Show him admiration for those qualities. Of course he has faults, but you are not going to become attractive by pointing them out to him–no matter how helpful you think you are being. You will be like the the mom who said to her son on prom night that he looked really handsome, but that it’s too bad he has a zit on his nose. The attractive spouse overlooks personality blemishes unless they are something we have to deal with. Then, we deal with them securely and lovingly.
4. LOOK FOR THE GOOD IN WHAT YOUR HUSBAND DID IN THE PAST—When you tell your husband something good about what he has done, he will become more attracted to you. His past is a large part of his identity. Telling your husband he is so much more improved over how he used to be may seem loving to you, but it will be experienced partially as rejection or criticism by him. There is a reason men talk about things they used to do, or achievements they had years before. It is part of the way they see themselves now. Even an old man will appreciate, and be attracted to, someone who admires him for something he did 50 years ago. Never discount your husband’s past or put him down for being less capable now. If he ran a marathon before and is obese now, don’t point out to him that he sure couldn’t run a marathon anymore. It may sound funny, but it’s not what that nice secretary would say or that ne acquaintance on Facebook.
Be your husband’s fan and cheerleader
Keep a running list of what you appreciate about your husband. Nothing is too small to go on this list. Make him feel like you are his number one fan. No one likes their critics, but everyone likes their fan club.
If you do all this and still can’t attract him
If these methods don’t work for you, it’s probably because of a buildup of damage and mistrust in your marriage. If so, it will only be a matter of time before you have a loveless marriage or no marriage at all. Marriage coaching for you, or for you and your husband can really help to bring back the love.